Monday Random: Thanksgiving is (was)

  • great leftovers
  • a healthy dose of family guilt
  • overdose on stuffing and green bean casserole
  • lack of affection for poultry for the next two months
  • a lot of dishes
  • few offers to help with said dishes
  • joy at seeing what the next generation is up to
  • old pictures
  • old stories
  • Continue reading “Monday Random: Thanksgiving is (was)”

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sunset October

I don’t have your colours
all my words
what I have to bring to life
what you paint over my sky
is it ever enough for you
to see my blues
and the red days
that go well past the horizon

together, maybe

my son laughed
at how many bookmarks I have
on the browser
afraid of losing something

I said
look at my book
see my Bible
all the little scraps
marking words and phrases
keeping track of the days
lost now

knowing my mending is stacking
too high to ever catch up
maybe
but start with page 23 and read to me
while I thread the needle

Monday Random

  • I went to mail a letter in my building without looking in the mirror first.
  • Day by day, I am getting back to my normal self
  • Whatever normal is
  • Perhaps normal is what I feel like inside, without anyone else’s expectations
  • I would also try to erase some regrets, though they cannot really be forgotten, and add to our experiences, what makes us wiser
  • sadder and wiser
  • Today’s weather here is a good illustration of how I view my life right now

Continue reading “Monday Random”

My tank feels empty

I wrote something this morning. I shared it with you because even though it was rough, I always want to tell you the truth. I wrote it quickly and did not edit it. It wasn’t great, but it was good. There was truth in it. I don’t want to post verbal spewing, but that is where the truth and heart is, the words I write before I have had a chance to muck it up, or chop it into pieces, or make it sound bigger than it is. Hipper than it is. It isn’t ageless literature. This is not Whitman I am writing here. This isn’t Frost. It’s a big heart from a big, bad place. It is a journey from darkness into the light. Not the light they tell you to avoid, but the warmth of peace and contentment no matter where I find myself

It is love, pain, sorrow, tears, regret, longing, sadness, hope, choking, loss, care, love, loathing, vengeance, cost, ringing, silence, deadly, hopeful, chance, wisdom, idiocy, lust, craving, darkness, life, light, craftiness, gratitude, defeat, melancholy, rebuke, aching, anger, revilement, tenderness, grief, crazed wishes, damned mistakes, mercy, grace, want, desire, apathy, music, hate, crashing, thunder, lightning, devastation, obliteration, pain, death, touch, relief, resilience, endurance, thankfulness, and love

puzzle pieces
all we have carried since then
the wishing that brings hard work
unexpected pleasures
birdsong still

All the pieces

I have written
all of it
the pieces battered and bruised
from every time on the floor
rocking in the corner

Did you read the chapter
where I rose victorious
out of order because I want you to see it
out of place
I don’t know
what
her name is now

Hate was first
crushing soul defeat
grief kneaded with blood
but when forgiveness came in
there was hope
like miracles
like music

They were wrong
so wrong about love
not being enough
maybe they were never loved like that
(I wasn’t
for ever so long)
convinced
that
hate was bigger

But I was wrong
love
with the strength of millions
dealt a death blow
to fear
(and carelessness
and loathing)

All told
the scraps innumerable
in the thousands
sewn together one by one
with miles of unbreakable cord

yesterday, we

touched
wind chimes tangled with the drapes
the phone rang
ignored

an unexpected flood
(the ending did not come fast)
of memory

your blue ribbon
for tenderness after the storm
mine ripped off me–
disqualified
for fear of
fall-
ing

forgive me–the
edge reminded me
of slides and roller coasters

should I say sorry
for
the bite mark

Raw

Today was supposed to be beautiful
one of love and laughter and soft touches
but I have been beat up around the shoulders
and my sides, ribs sore
the last words from your mouth
cold and indifferent

what would you say to unbearably cool sheets
and soft duvets, dark hair thick and gleaming
draped over you, sticky with love, and us
oh us, we could be something, we should be
really something but we collide, we clash
and we are bruised

while you wash my back we could talk about our dreams
about how come everything suddenly
feels hard and uphill
rub my skin softly then rub me raw
far away from here