I threw out your underwear

I put it off, dealing with you
I waited until the fog covered us
nothing distinct or glaring
in my eyes in my eyes

I hesitated giving you back
your shoes your book and threw out
your underwear deleting your messages
I didn’t want to hear your voice your voice

I postponed our separation
building only half a wall
watching you over prefab on pallets
can we stall the heartache the heartache

I put it off, dealing with you
you dragged your feet about anything real
it won’t add up however long we wait
to get a grip and deal with us with us

Miscellaneous night thoughts

I can hear no cars. I might be the only one in this time zone awake.

The mind is errant when left on its own.With no goal in mind, it wanders through places my mother warned me about-with fancy names and neon.

Everything here is shiny and bright.My tired eyes blink, trying to make out shapes and faces.I see you, waving to me. I try to be nonchalant

I remember it was a drag the day I realized I was the girl mothers warned their sons about. I couldn’t very well argue with the facts.

There is nothing left now to do but keep it as a memory and sand down the edges, for posterity.Once I am gone, I will not be able to explain

Now that I have passed the fulcrum of this night, I will stay awake and watch the sun come up. I hate to think this stardust is wasted.

sudden cold snap
an unexpected breeze
like when he left
only to turn around
to touch my face again
Monday
you have been called
blue
but I wave my wand
and call you gold
leaving the blues
in the can behind me

you are a stranger now
not overlooking my own
peculiarities
we walk about
barely knowing one another
(despite matching scars
like ties and shoes)

the fog lifts
and I see your face
but if you open up
to your very depths
in the sunshine
I just might get at
the heart of you

Threnody

(2016)
For Mom

I remember the day you told me
it was no good
the end was coming
and all the miracle hopes
and treatments were done

you were calm
you were ready
and I wasn’t
skidding my heels
dragged to the church a month later
baby in my belly
to see something that was not you
you were gone already-

then later
in the garden when
summer came again
I saw you alive in my son’s eyes
then again in a field
of clover and cornflowers

Do you fear the fire

(2015)

For Mom

Walking through the woods
you spoke of fire.
Of course I had noticed it
the lack of green
the scent of the foray
of pitiless flames
and the ash beneath our feet.

A dream, perhaps, upon
opening my eyes and
seeing your feet again
walking amongst the flames
a frantic dance for life
and after, the renovation
your attempt to cover it up
with a smile and a flower.

I was so happy to see something
colorful, blooming, my jaw
went slack – when the flower fell
from where you had taped it
to the scorched vine.
Yes, you fooled me
this little comfort of red petals
among the endless black.
“But black is your color.”

Black was the color of cool,
and calm in a time when I
could not settle myself. Tailor-made
for me, the crisp lines of black silk
and white cotton was enough
to blur the smudges of
soot on your cheek and forehead.

I was not there for you.

Here, let me.
And grabbing at the rose, I
moved too quickly, the thorn
piercing my finger
a reminder to wake up.
“You have blood on your
shirt”, you said, “wake up.”
There is work still to be done.

Passion and politics

 

 

Raindrops are lost to clods of dirt
stirred by your footfall
you- so much taller than I
I thought they were your tears
falling over my head

I wish you had been sober
when you said you wanted me
I wish you had been kinder
when you got sober

You voted badly-I know it
you hammered me with your politics
you didn’t know shit
about foreign policy

You still could have stayed-
you could untie my knots
and did not tell me, while
I was trying to get at your heart

You said you hated the Beatles
but I still would have stayed
when you smashed my vintage ABBA record-
I walked out and you panicked

I miss you staring into my eyes
til I had to look down
I miss staring at your lap
til you blushed

It is raining again
the clods of dirt
stirred up by your footfall
I still listen for

Precious

diamonds.jpg

She cried during Star Wars
and he laughed at her
which made her cry more
turning to lay her cheek
against the cool glass
raindrops on the window
like diamonds

‘Isn’t it precious,’ she thought
lighting a cigarette
and hearing him cough
from across the room
but he’d never tell her to stop
crazy about her grumpy moods
in love with how she exhaled

“Maybe we should get away,” he said
getting up and walking over
kneeling at her feet, and
wrapping his arms about her legs
hearing her reply how she liked
things the way they were, and
feeling her fingers in his hair